


1976

by MartianMadness66



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Therapy, sad paul
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-07-10 09:23:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19903456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MartianMadness66/pseuds/MartianMadness66
Summary: Friends are great, and Paul definitely had missed his, but he kind of wished they'd let him go.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> wow this whole idea hasn't let me go for the last like two weeks
> 
> also i guess i just like to destroy paul

**1942**

“The year I was born.”

**1944**

“That’s when my brother was born. Mike.”

**1956**

“Mum.”

**1957**

“John and I met, at a little fete down in Woolton.”

**1962**

“That’s when we got a record deal.”

_“Were you excited?”_

“Oh, yeah. You couldn’t imagine.”

**1964**

“We got America.”

**1966**

“We started getting a little more experimental, then. Musically and mentally.”

**1967**

“Sgt. Pepper.”

**1968**

“That’s when Yoko came.”

**1969**

“The End.”

**1970**

“My end.”

**1971**

“I, uh… I tried. Y’know, to get back into music, but… I don’t know, it didn’t really work.”

**1972**

“Nothing.”

**1974**

“I saw John, then. First time in a couple years.”

_“How did it go?”_

“…”

**1975**

“John had another son.”

**1976**

“…”

_“What happened in 1976, Paul?”_

“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? You already know, I don’t have to say it.”

_“Paul, you’re not being very cooperative.”_

“I’ve answered everything you’ve asked me. What do you want me to say?”

_“I want you to be honest, admit how you’re feeling. You won’t get better if you keep everything inside.”_

“…”

_“Do you want to get better?”_

“I don’t know if I can.”

_“Why don’t you think you can get better?”_

“What is there left to fix?”

_“No one’s fixing you, Paul.”_

“Exactly.”

_“You aren’t broken.”_

“I am! Look at me! Look at who I _used_ to be! What fucking happened?”

_“…”_

“Sorry.”

_“You have nothing to apologize for. I want you to think about what happened, how you got here.”_

“I- Christ, I don’t know. I know it started with the breakup, but…”

_“But?”_

“I don’t know. I’ve never been like this. I don’t know how this happened.”

_“It’s okay, Paul. Let’s take this one step at a time, start easy. Tell me about your childhood.”_

“It was- nice, I guess? We didn’t have a lot of money, or anything, but we were a close family. Mum was always really great, and Dad could be really funny. Kind, too. My brother, Mike, was a real fun kid, although he was more on the emotional side. Got angry really easy, stuff like that. Cried easy. Just more sensitive, I guess.”

_“Any extended family?”_

“Yeah, loads. We always called ourselves the McCartney Clan.”

_“How old were you when your mother passed?”_

“I was 14. Mike was 12.”

_“How did it effect you and your family dynamic?”_

“Um, well, I don’t know, really. Da and Mike were both wrecked after, but I kind of never really felt that.”

_“How did it make you feel?”_

“…Empty.”

_“And your family dynamic?”_

“Well, if you mean who did the washing up and the cooking and stuff, well, that was- Dad started doing everything. Well, he had us do stuff, too, but he really took on a lot.”

_“Did that empty feeling ever go away?”_

“Yeah, sometimes. I was always better if I was distracted somehow, like at school, I’d reenact a radio show we all loved and I always felt better when kids were laughing or playing around with me.”

_“Did music help?”_

“A lot. That’s when I started playing guitar.”

_“And guitar. Is that how you met John?”_

“Kind of. Yeah, I suppose. We had a mutual mate, Ivan, who thought we’d get on.”

_“That turned out to be a bit of an understatement, didn’t it?”_

“Yeah…”

_“Did John help with that empty feeling?”_

“Well, it’d been about a year since mum when John and I met, and I didn’t feel like that all the time at that point. Sometimes, though, he actually made it worse.”

_“Worse?”_

“Yeah. I’d just see him with his aunt and his mum and… y’know it just made me miss her. Same with George.”

_“When did you and George meet?”_

“Uh, 1956, I think.”

_“Same year as your mother, then.”_

“Yeah…”

_“Was he close with his mother?”_

“Very.”

_“Were you close back then?”_

“Uh, yeah, we were. I think. We- we played a lot together, music. That was how we became friends. We rode the same bus and we would just talk about music.”

_“You’re not sure if you two were close?”_

“Well, um, It’s just- y’know, how I felt about it might not have been mutual.”

_“Let’s talk about John.”_

“Why?”

_“Because he’s an important player in your childhood, right?”_

“I guess…”

_“Were you two close right away?”_

“Not really. It took a little bit for us to get closer. It started getting better when we would do guitar lessons.”

_“Guitar Lessons?”_

“Well, he’d been playing ukulele chords instead of guitar chords, so I started showing him guitar chords.”

_“I see. And how old were you then?”_

“Uh, 15?”

_“And John?”_

“16.”

_“When did you feel that your bond with John solidified?”_

“…I don’t think there was a specific moment. It just grew.”

_“Do you feel like you two still have that bond?”_

“…”

_“Did you admire John?”_

“Yeah. I still do.”

_“Why?”_

“I don’t know. He’s always been able to do things I couldn’t.”

_“Like?”_

“Like… ending us.”

_“Who’s ‘us’?”_

“The Beatles.”

_“Hm.”_

“What?”

_“You’re very guarded, Paul.”_

“I’m trying.”

_“I know you are.”_

“…”

_“…”_

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

_“You’re not ‘supposed’ to say anything, Paul. All you have to do is show up.”_

“What do you mean?”

_“I can’t force you to help yourself.”_

“…”

_“How about this, Paul. Your friends are out there, waiting to take you home. I know that terrifies you- you don’t have to say it. I’ve been doing this a long time. Let them take care of you. Let them feel like they’re helping. When you come back on Wednesday, bring me something you’ve written, whether a song, or a journal entry, anything, and explain what made you write it. That way I’m not grasping at air, and you don’t have to be afraid of what I’m going to ask. I’m here to help you. I want to help you. Your friends want to help you. All we ask is that you try to accept our help. Does that work?”_

“…”

_“Paul?”_

“…okay.”


	2. 1974 - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two posts? In one day? It's more likely than you think!

**1974 Part 1 – John Lennon and Elton John**

Peaceful. That was the only word to describe the world that night. John was sat on the roof of some sleek car looking out over the bluff, the wind blowing a gentle breeze and the purple-orange sunset making the cliffs turn to lovely silhouettes against the sky. He took a deep breath through his nose, enjoying a relaxation that was normally so difficult for him to obtain.

“It’s lovely over here.”

John hummed in agreement as the car shifted under the weight of another body. The two sat in companionable silence, both soaking in the natural beauty of the dusk.

“John?”

“Yeah?”

Hesitation. John supposed that was fair. He knew he wasn’t always the easiest person to talk to.

“I know its none of my business and you don’t like to talk about it-“

Those are words no one ever wants to hear, _especially_ John. The relaxed state he’d fallen into abruptly left, leaving a nervous tension in his gut.

“but I was wondering if you’d heard from Paul?”

“Paul who?” John asked, just to put off the inevitable a little longer.

“McCartney.”

John huffed, finally turning to his companion for the evening. He was devoid of his usual garish clothes, instead wearing a simple sweater and jeans. He still wore his large glasses, a nice contradiction to John’s smaller circular frames. He looked wary, almost nervous, but held John’s gaze. That was something John liked about him. Elton would never back down from a challenge.

John glared at him. “No,” he said, guarded. Elton turned back to the sunset and John found himself uncomfortably familiar with the heaviness with which Elton held himself hunched forward.

“Can I be honest for a second?” He asked quietly.

John didn’t want to have a conversation like this, but clearly his friend did.

“Yeah,” John sighed.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he started, “but I’m worried that Bernie and I might end up like you and Paul.” He kept his gaze out over the bluff, which was good because it meant he couldn’t see John’s stricken face.

He supposed he couldn’t be mad, though. Or, he _shouldn’t_ be mad. He and Paul hadn’t spoken in four years. Elton and Bernie were incredibly close, but fame could even ruin a friendship as fierce and strong as theirs. That’s what had happened to him and Paul.

“Sometimes you have to faze people out. It can be hard when you care about them, but if they’re a bad fit for you, or they’re holding you back, the only thing you can do is let them go.” John wasn’t sure where that had come from, nor was he sure he was speaking from experience, but he supposed it was at least true.

Elton let out a breath, lowering his gaze to his lap. “I don’t think that’s how it is with us. At least not now. I hope never, but that’s the part I can’t control. I don’t want it to ever happen. I could never do this without him.”

John looked back over the water. “Sometimes there’s nothing you can do,” he whispered, remembering how much that last year with Paul had hurt.

“Was that how it was with you two?”

John sucked in a breath. “Yeah.”

A beat of silence.

“Do you miss him?”

Yes. God, he didn’t need to think about it for even a second. The last interaction they’d had had been through music and it certainly hadn’t been good. They’d had a horrible battle through songs – well. Maybe battle was the wrong word. Paul had written a song, a song he knew John would understand, and then John responded. He might not have responded in the best way and that had been the last time he’d heard from Paul. He stopped calling Paul, knowing the ball was in his court, but Paul never called again. No one had heard from him since 1971. It freaked him out a little, but it was easier to ignore him than it was to feel all of that guilt and fear.

John scoffed. Anxiety was putting him on the defensive, something he hated immensely about himself and one of the reasons Yoko kicked him out. Oh god, now _Yoko, too?_ “Why would I miss him? He played dictator with us and then got all pissy when we pointed it out. I definitely don’t miss him standing over me all the time, telling me what works and what doesn’t. If I miss anyone, it’s Yoko.”

It was hard, sometimes, to hear his own words. He almost never meant them once they were spoken. He missed Paul. That was the truth, and when he glanced at Elton, he could tell he knew it, too.

Elton was a good guy, a good friend, but John wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about this. His feelings for Paul were complicated at best. He had loved him once upon a time, wasn’t sure if he still did, loved Yoko, but that was weird, too. Paul had been a rock in his life, kept him grounded, but then he’d gone off on his own, or had come close, come close to leaving John. He’d gone three years without giving Paul much room in his brain, but now…

Fuck.

“It would kill me, too,” Elton murmured.

John said nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyoo so this fic is going to switch off so every other chapter is a session with paul and the following chapter will be a memory or perspective change
> 
> Also! two updates?? In one day?? What is going on???

_“Good morning, Paul.”_

“Good morning.”

_“How was your day yesterday?”_

“Fine, thank you.”

_“Did you do anything fun?”_

“Not particularly.”

_“No music?”_

“…”

_“Alright, well. How about we get started?”_

“Alright.”

_“Do you remember what I asked you to do last time?”_

“… yes.”

_“Good. Did you do it?”_

“Yes.”

_“Would you like to share?”_

“I don’t really have an option here, do I?”

_“Of course, you do. You can always choose not to cooperate.”_

“…”

_“So, what have you brought?”_

“I, uh. I brought a song.”

_“Great. What is it called?”_

“When I’m Sixty-Four.”

_“…”_

“I wrote it when I was a kid. John thought it was terrible.”

_“Paul.”_

“What?”

_“Why have you brought me ‘When I’m Sixty-Four’?”_

“You asked me to bring something I’ve written. I thought…”

_“You thought what?”_

“…”

_“When we talked last time, we were discussing your album from 1971. There were many songs on that album that seemed to have some personal weight to them. I thought that, if you were to choose a song, you would choose a song from that period.”_

“You didn’t specify that.”

_“I didn’t. But we both knew what I was talking about, yes?”_

“…”

_“We ran into this problem last time, too, Paul. You need to learn to open up to me.”_

“I don’t know you.”

_“You’re open with the people you know, then?”_

“…”

_“You’re guarded, Paul. You don’t talk about anything deep with anyone.”_

“That’s not true.”

_“…”_

“You don’t know me.”

_“That’s true.”_

“…”

_“This is a safe space.”_

“How am I supposed to know that?”

_“I can’t legally tell anyone anything you tell me.”_

“There are ways around that.”

_“You think I’d sell this?”_

“I don’t know you.”

_“But you also wouldn’t share anything with someone you **do** know, would you?”_

“…”

_“I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to help.”_

“…”

_“You know I work with Helen, right?”_

“…”

_“She chose me to work with you because she trusts me.”_

“She chose you because she wants you to tell her what’s wrong with me.”

_“She knows what’s wrong with you. She’s a psychologist, too.”_

“She doesn’t know anything about me.”

_“She doesn’t? You’ve been friends for five years.”_

“But she doesn’t know **me** , y’know. When I’m not like this.”

_“So, this isn’t really you?”_

“No.”

_“Who’s the real you, then?”_

“I don’t know anymore.”

_“So, you can’t talk to me because you don’t know me. You can’t talk to Helen and Mark because you **do** know them. You can’t talk to your brother because he’s too close. You can’t talk to John, George, or Ringo because they ‘hate’ you. You can’t even discuss with yourself because you don’t know who you are. Who are you supposed to talk to?”_

“…”

_“Do you see why that’s unhealthy? You have to talk to someone.”_

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

_“Closing yourself off is more hurtful than any truth you could tell anyone.”_

“Why?”

_“Because it’s more dangerous.”_

“…”

_“Paul, please. We’re all here to help you. None of us want to see you hurt. I can’t prove I won’t hurt you if you don’t give me an opportunity to prove it.”_

“…”

_“…”_

“…”

_“…”_

“…”

_“Okay, well, I guess-“_

“I didn’t go to my father’s funeral.”

_“Oh? And why’s that?”_

“I- it was going to be crazy enough anyway. I didn’t want the press following me there.”

_“That makes sense.”_

“I – the press said I never cared about my father, and that I cared more about myself than my family.”

_“Is that true?”_

“No!”

_“Of course, it isn’t, Paul. But that seems to have upset you. Why did it upset you so much to see those rumors?”_

“You wouldn’t be upset if people started making those claims about you?”

_“I never said I wouldn’t be upset.”_

“…”

_“It seems like you care a lot about what people say about you.”_

“Well, I mean – I don’t know.”

_“When those comments were made about you in the tabloids, did you believe them?”_

“…”

_“Paul?”_

“… yes.”

_“Why did you believe them?”_

“I don’t know.”

_“Did you believe those things when you were with The Beatles?”_

“Well, no. But they didn’t really start saying stuff anyway until we were nearly done.”

_“Did you start believing it towards the end, then?”_

“Yeah, I – yeah.”

_“What was different between the end and the beginning?”_

“…”

_“…”_

“I had my friends.”

_“You didn’t at the end?”_

“No.”

_“Who did you have at the end?”_

“I didn’t have anyone.”

_“No one?”_

“Yeah.”

_“Do you find that when you’re alone you have an easier time believing what people say about you?”_

“… I think so.”

_“Do you think that’s all?”_

“What do you mean?”

_“Is that the only thing that makes you believe them? Being alone?”_

“…”

_“The impression I get is that you believe the things you already think about yourself.”_

“…”

_“Does that sound right?”_

“… yes.”

_“I think we should talk about how you see yourself.”_

“…”

_“I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer with either a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Okay?”_

“Okay.”

_“Do you like yourself?”_

“No.”

_“Have you ever liked yourself?”_

“Yes.”

_“Do you want help?”_

“Yes.”

_“Good job, Paul. Thank you for opening up to me.”_

“…”

_“How did it feel?”_

“Uncomfortable.”

_“Yes, it’ll be a little uncomfortable at first, but it’ll get easier. I’m going to give you some homework to do before we meet back up on Friday. Is that okay?”_

“… yes.”

_“Good. I want you to write a list of things you dislike about yourself and we’ll discuss them when we see each other on Friday. Please be as honest as possible. And if, in the process of writing it, you feel really terrible, go talk to Helen. She’ll be there for you no matter what. Okay?”_

“… okay.”

_“Great. I’ll see you Friday, Paul.”_

“Wait-“

_“Yes?”_

“Are you – well… you seem a little… I don’t know…”

_“Yes?”_

“Well…”

_“Do you think I’m too harsh with you? Too impatient?”_

“…”

_“It’s because I’ve worked with your type before – that’s part of the reason Helen chose me. Lovingly, personality types like yours often need to be prodded a little. If I were to wait for you to tell me things, you wouldn’t. If I were to jump headfirst into the deeper issues here, you’d walk out. I have to prod you, tell you what I expect from you so that you can prepare yourself.”_

“Oh.”

_“Have I hit the nail on the head?”_

“Yeah, actually. Kind of.”

_“Good. But I always have room for improvement, too, so if one of my methods isn’t working or you don’t find that we’re a good fit, let me know. I can change things up or get you someone else.”_

“No, I – no, that’s okay. I like you.”

_“Thank you, Paul.”_

“…”

_“I’m now sensing a ‘but.’”_

“Well… could we maybe do a specific topic for each session? It’s… It’s difficult, y’know. For me to jump around.”

_“Yes, of course. Would you prefer me to pick the topics or would you like to pick them?”_

“Maybe… a little of both?”

_“Alright. Let’s do this: to our next session on Friday, you bring me a list of things you dislike about yourself, which we already talked about. We’ll make that our topic for Friday. And then you also bring me a list of points to talk about sometime in the future. I’ll also bring my own list of ideas and we’ll discuss where we want to go from there. Sound good?”_

“Yeah, that sounds okay.”

_“Good! Glad we’re starting to get on the same page.”_

“Me too.”

_“Have a good day, Paul.”_

“You too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it! let me know if you did (or didnt) in the comments, or hmu on tumblr @martianmadness66


End file.
